Maybe today

I wake each morning with renewed hope, maybe this is going to be a good day. Maybe the sun is shinning, or snow is falling, maybe everyone smiles and no one is threatening. Maybe I will get through the day without the headaches, the fear, the anger...

Then the day begins...

I was a Soldier a Medic, I have seen the ravages of war, been shot at, blown up, and heard the calls of wounded men and women; I still hear the sounds or smell the odors today and on the 21^st of this month it will be a year since I left those horrors behind me.

By the grace of God I came through with my body intact, my mind on the other hand is not. There is rarely a day when a sound, a taste, or a smell does not set off a memory, a "script" as the therapists call it. Have you ever noticed if you break it in two it is not a positive word? The Rapist...

What might it be today, a certain note in a song that turns on that horrible incoming alarm in my head forcing me to be hyper vigilant and looking for a place to take cover? Will it be a random smell that takes me back to burning flesh, or raw blood sending me into an anxiety attack? Or will it simply be a noisy crowd taking away my confidence forcing me to abandon that which I am doing to find safety elsewhere?   

I wish I could say that the headaches are the worst pain, or the panic attacks, or the chest pain from stress, but it isn't. The pain I feel in my heart, in my soul is the worst. Not a day goes by when I don't hurt, when my heart doesn't feel heavy. I have family and friends around me that love and care for me, but it only slightly takes away the pain.

I pray every morning that today will be that day when my heart feels light again, when love, happiness, hope and peace spring forth in me and stays that way all day.

Maybe today?

Fenix 2

This is not literature, this is not art, these are my feelings and thoughts... feel with me, love with me, hope with me...Peace.